©2019 by Canvas Literary Journal

Published by Cosmographia Books

Background art “Camouflage” by Hyung Jin Lee

Canvas logo by Ali Wrona

Observations I've Made Over the Years

Nabila Meghjani 

Autumn 2018

 

Best of the Net 2019 Nomination

i. When I am 12 years old, I realize that I can fall in love with girls too. I mean, I say ‘fall in love’, but I really mean ‘feel insanely attracted to’. All the signs are there- cheeks heating up every time she’s near, butterflies in my stomach, word vomit, clammy hands, the whole nine yards. I push this discovery to the back of my mind until I turn 16 when I pretty much become the living, breathing bisexual pride flag, never hiding from who I am because those days are behind me. 

ii. When I’m confused I run from things, ignore them, bury them in the darkest corners of my brain until I am tired of the pressure in that corner, pull the secret out, examine it from all sides and then finally embrace it wholeheartedly. 

iii. There’s a boy who’s all arrogance and languid smiles and mischief in his eyes but I’ve seen him with his mother and he is a very different person, more soft and kind, edges melting into soft strokes, face full of love and concern and I remember there’s always 2 sides (or more) to a person, rather like a coin (or any 3 dimensional object with multiple sides). 

iv. I wonder what my 2 (or more) sides are. I wonder when I’ll know someone else’s different sides intimately. 

v. Recently, I’ve been leaving pieces of myself everywhere I go, like a trail of breadcrumbs, in hopes that someone will find them and see how many pieces I’m missing and help me become whole. 

vi. There’s a girl with sunshine in her blood and every day, for a few minutes, she makes me forget being sad. I don’t remember when I started depending on other people to save me from anything. 

vii. There’s a girl who exudes an aura of protectiveness and peace. She’s loud and unapologetic in everything she does and her hands create masterpieces that reflect everything she is. There is a boy who wears a mask that I cannot see behind but his eyes intrigue me. He captures the most ordinary moments and makes them so beautiful through his magic (and his camera). These 2 are meant for each other and I’m a sucker for cute couples and the perfect love story but I’ve come to realize I want them too. 

viii. It makes sense in a weird way I guess. I’ve never wanted or been able to worship just one God and I’ve never been able to love just one person. I think it’s because I have too much to give. 

As of the Autumn 2018 publication of this piece, Nabila Meghjani had just started her first year of college in Virginia where she can be found dreaming about Indian food, struggling to finish readings and praying to the gods to add some hours to the day. When she's not busy with school work, she likes reading anything interesting she can lay her hands on, eating fruit salad and just chilling in her pjs. She hopes that one day, she'll be doing something that helps bring about change and happiness in the world.